Harry Potter's Flying Circus I: The Magic Rock
by stewbeef44
Summary: Parody of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. No graphic scenes, but irreverent humor abounds.
1. Prologue, With Love from Deadpool

**PROLOGUE... Or, "How to Piss Off Harry Potter Fans, Star Wars Fans, People who are easily offended, fans of the TV show Lucifer, Christians, Jehovah's Witnesses, Scientologists, Whovians, Trekkies, and possibly some Satanists and Deadpool fans at the Same Time, All in One Trigger Warning"**

 **In a land outside of space, time, and death, also known as the Room of Requirement...**

Across the room, a man in red tights lay spread-eagled on a love seat, and waved. "Heyyyy reader and/or lover! It's your old pal, Wade Wilson! Remember me? I'm in a lot of cinematic movie universes you don't know about. I pop in from time to time, it's one of the benefits of breaking the fourth wall. You get to show up everywhere to generally f*ck around with people.

Pssst! COMING UP SOON! I'm writing another fanfiction for Star Wars Episode VII, also known as Episode IV: My Death Star Is Bigger Than Yours! Spoiler Alert: Luke x Rey! Shhhh!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to show up to tell you that this story is going to be weird, even for a parody. And who better to tell you that than dear old mwah? So if you can't handle Dumbledore going on Grindr and bumping uglies with Cornelius Fudge, don't read this. If you can't handle Hedwig dying multiple times, this story might not be for you. If your ick factor can't tolerate Filch x Peeves, don't go on with this story. Consider that your trigger warning.

That's about it, I think. I'm gonna go to the universe of the Netflix original series, Lucifer, the show that makes Satan look kinda hot... figuratively speaking. Wink! I think I'll just dress up as a Jehovah's Witness and try to convert him to Scientology. Buh-bye!"

And with that, the interrupting merc with a mouth jumped into his stolen TARDIS, saying, "Beam me up, Scotty! I love cross-canon references!" and popped out into the domain of Lucifer.


	2. How to Make Child Endangerment Funny

An owl flew through the darkened night. Tonight, however was dark in more ways than one. The owl's name was Hedwig. It flew through the night, chirping a happy song, oblivious to the goings-on around it. The owl was about a week old.

The baby owl saw its parents flying to a nest ahead. It flew towards them, but then a flash pierced the night sky. A man with a long beard and a weird hat took out what looked like a cigarette lighter and clicked it, causing a light to magically go out and light his pipe. The light, when it rushed to the pipe, had hit the owl's parents.

The man, whose name was Albus Dumbledore, grinned from ear to ear. He turned to the black cat next to him, and said, "Want some?"

The cat turned into a stern-looking woman. Her name was Minerva McGonagall, a professor at Hogwarts.

"Albus, how high are you right now exactly?"

"I was just in Humboldt County, California, so I think on a scale of..."

"Right. You're wasted on muggle marijuana, while our friends are dead! They're dead, Dumbledore!"

"Hence why I am high." Dumbledore looked at her sadly. "Would you like a lemon drop?"

"No."

"Alright then... are you sure?"

Minerva took the lemon drop from his hand, shouted, " _Reducto!_ ", and gave the now very small lemon drop back to him. "I'm sure, Albus."

"Okay."

"Now what I came to ask... about the boy. Is he alive?"

"Hagrid is bringing him."

"You would think it wise to trust him with this?"

"I would trust Hagrid with my life."

Out of the night sky, a flying DeLorean appeared from the night sky. In it rode a giant carrying a baby. "Hagrid, you came."

The giant laughed nervously. "Phrasing." He took a big swig of gin, saying, "I shouldn't have said that." He then started bawling uncontrollably.

At that moment, the Muggle neighbors of Privet Drive started waking up and seeing the three. "Disguises." Miverva said. She removed her hat and changed into her dominatrix outfit, Hagrid put on an Emmett Brown costume, and Dumbledore put on a fake mustache.

A man walking his dog across the street yelled at them, "WANKERS!"

"Hello, fellow wanker! Have a glorious day!" Dumbledore yelled back. The man flipped him off and walked away. He then turned to Minerva. "That's a nice-sounding word. I'm going to greet Muggles with it from now on."

"Ah, Albus sir, I don' think..." Hagrid began, but Dumbledore turned to a boy on the street. "How are you today, wanker?"

The boy shot back, "Go back on Grindr, Gandalf. I heard Gollum is on there."

"Really? Let me go on Grindr and see what this Gollum person looks like..." he said, taking out his phone.

"Albus, I think that boy lives where we were planning to drop him off," Minerva said uncomfortably as the boy went inside one of the houses.

"Hm, what? Ah, yes. What a nice fellow." He looked back at his phone. "I had no idea Cornelius was even on here..."

Minerva turned to Hagrid. "And you, Hagrid? What do you think about leaving him with these... Dursleys?"

"I dunno, but something tells me we're going to put him in danger."

Minerva sniffed. "Hagrid, you do know the Hogwarts code of conduct for teachers? AECIMTS? Always Endanger Children, It Makes Them Stronger."

Hagrid nodded. "Ah yes. That's why Dumbledore allowed me to keep Caligula for so long. They said, 'too many eyes, Hagrid! Too many legs!' Well, that spider toughened me into who I am today, and I'm proud of it."

"You do know Moaning Myrtle was killed by Caligula, right?"

"I kept having him wear those little boots on all his eight legs... so cute..." Hagrid sniffed.

Albus looked up from his phone. "Wait, where were we? Ah yes, we were going to leave Harry on someone's doorstep instead of putting him safely inside. Sure, the Death Eaters might see him and take him away to do unspeakable things to him, but oh well. AECIMTS and all, am I right?" They gave each other a high five, and walked away into the wee hours of the morning.


	3. A Woman Makes Love to a Walrus

Harry sat in his room, reading the first book of the Twilight series. He got two pages into it, then put it down and made a mental note to use it as kindling later. _'Oh, wonderful. A_ _book about a love triangle between an underage girl, a 100-year old domestic abuser who happens to be a weenie vampire, and a dog-boy. I wonder what could go wrong here?'_ he thought. _'Makes me feel a bit better about my aunt, uncle, and cousin, though.'_

At that moment, his cousin knocked on the door. "Get up, Harry! Time for your Hawaiian pizza! Hahaha!"

"F*ck you and your blasphemy against pizza, walrus-boy," Harry yawned.

"Oh, I'll tell Mum and Dad! MUUUMMMYYYY!"

"Oh gods..." Harry said to himself, walking out of the cupboard. "I'm sorry I insulted your foo -"

"Shut up! Your dear uncle made this with his own two tusks! It's hard enough to make for him without opposable thumbs!" Petunia screeched.

"HRRROOOOAARRRRRR!" Uncle Vernon roared angrily. He was a walrus, and coincidentally, Dudley was, in fact, a walrus-boy.

"It's not my fault no one understands what you're saying..." Harry mumbled. Luckily, none of his adopted family heard him.

"Are you going to the Zoo of Cornwall with your friends today, Dudley?"

"Yes. It is the ancestral homeland of my honorable father, after all. And of course, Harry isn't invited."

"HHRROOOOOAARR!" Uncle Vernon roared. What he was trying to say was, "I'm from Nunavut, Canada, you asshole. I can't believe you're my son. You know what, to hell with it. Harry is invited. I still hate him more than you, don't worry."

Dudley, being half-walrus, was a Tusktongue. He could understand Uncle Vernon, but Harry and Aunt Petunia could not. "But Daaaaadyyyy! I don't want Harry at the zoo!"

"I'd rather not go, either. Those animals should be in the wild." Harry hated zoos, it reminded him of being cooped up at the Dursleys' house.

"Well, then, it's final! Harry is going," Aunt Petunia grinned cruelly, having figured out what Uncle Vernon had said. "And you're going to hate it, Harry. Which is just _gravy_!"


End file.
